Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
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a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
Waitress: need anything else?
Me: yes, a cup of black coffee.
W: and how would u like your coffee?
M: uhhh..black and in a cup?
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
spider: I need 4 pairs of pants
assistant: might I suggest, instead of pants, a dress
spider: I’ll give it a try
[later]
spider: *twirling in a billowy dress* I feel fantasticassistant: very attractive, sir
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
turtles are just lizards who work in construction