Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
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I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
We’ve all been there
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*
*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Jesus loves me. This I know.
For my neighbor told me so.
Jesus is a Puerto Rican that lives two doors down.
I’m flattered…but straight.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
Husband: Why are there no clean spoons in this house?
[flashback to me cooking dinner and using every spoon in the house]
Me: I have no idea.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory