I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
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Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
I made the mistake of telling my son he should think of some game ideas we could work on and now he wants to know why the project is behind schedule
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Kid 1: Hurt my elbow
School Nurse: Here’s an ice packK2: *fever*
SN: Ice packK3: *diarrhea*
SN: Ice packK4: *decapitated*
SN: Ice pack