Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
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Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
Me: *trying to handle work crisis before I’m fully awake, phone binging with apology texts from various people*
Person on phone: I’m so sorry this landed in your lap. I missed it. They missed it. We all missed it. Now it’s your problem and…Are you…did you just…growl at me?
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
*on hold for over an hour
That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.
OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.
What do you want, a meddle?
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….