Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
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AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?