Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
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I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
If you thought you had a rough night, my toddler couldn’t wear an oven mitt to bed.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.
HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier