Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
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[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry
guy: excuse me, can you jump my car
me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it
guy: no like-
me: *handing phone* take a video
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.