I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
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Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
I hate cooking, but I am excited to debut my cookbook “Toast On A Paper Towel, 365 Ways.”
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
Life advice: If someone ever tells you “I’ll be there in thirty minutes”, you should ALWAYS respond with “You’ve got twenty” and hang up.
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they’ve given you the Heimlich?
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?
I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.
astronaut: houston come in
houston: this had better be important
astronaut: it’s urgent
houston: fine what
astronaut: [drinking soda out of the air] rootbeer float
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Ever since I learned the show is called Suits because of lawsuits and not because they wear suits, I have harbored a hot white rage within me beyond anything mankind has ever known.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.