ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
You Might Also Like
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
My kids told me I have rizz and I feel flattered. Or insulted? Or confused. Definitely confused.
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.