how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
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Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there
Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–
me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?