GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
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You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
never compromise your values
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
they’re called hooves, dummy🙄
Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.
Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!
Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?
*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”