Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
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If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.