Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
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financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
Sometimes I lay in bed awake at night thinking, how did Skeletor from He-Man speak perfectly without lips or a tongue
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Broom by every window for quick escape.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
😂😂😂
Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.