A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
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[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
In terms of spelling difficulty, I think the word “average” is between easy and hard.
Friend: If you love cheeseburgers so much, why don’t you marry one?!
*looks at wife, wife shakes her head
Me: I’m not allowed
*kicks dirt
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
If you tell me you have a quick and easy recipe and I have to scroll to get through all the ingredients that’s not a quick and easy recipe.
Also, you’re now dead to me.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
2014: maybe 2015 will be better
2015: maybe 2016 will be better
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful