me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
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I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
This is the best one I’ve seen
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.