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Doctor: We need you to spit in this cup.
Me, making unbroken eye contact: Ptooey.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
A great part of video game culture is how you can purchase a night at an inn, and you wake up with full health.
I’ve been to many hotels before, this does not actually happen.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
When people shorten words for no reason it makes me want to commit murds.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
it must be school picture day
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.