lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
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Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
LinkedIn is severely overestimating how often I “congratulate” people.
Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?
Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
Canada has crack?
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”