* Runs Baywatch-style into oncoming traffic *
You Might Also Like
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
What are WE?
WRITERS!!!What are WE gonna do?
WRITE!!!When are WE gonna do it?
Ooh look a (Instagram, Twitter, Pinterest, YouTube) notification. Probably later!
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
hackers play passwordle
my first day as a raccoon
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
Who has two thumbs and refused to read the instruction manual for his electric carving knife? Not my Uncle Joel, that’s for sure.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Anyone else always bring about 3x as many knickers as they need when they’re going away somewhere like oh just incase I piss myself every single day of this trip
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
it be like that
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?