It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
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911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
[first day as a lawyer]
CLIENT: you’re fired
ME: was it my opening rap or the –
CLIENT: mostly the skipping, yes
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Furious that Game of Thrones didn’t exclusively cater to me, the only person who watches it
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
[coming home from cinema]
Don’t let that ninja film go to your head again.
*roundhouse kicks the light switch on*
“I won’t”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
cute girl: can i have ur number?
me: [sweating nervously] then what number am i gonna use
THERAPIST: You need more friends
ME: I put bird seed that attracts raccoons in the backyard, last week
THERAPIST: …
ME: …
THERAPIST: … So all of these-
ME: [surrounded by raccoons] Whatever you have to say to me, you can say in front of the garbage boys
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you