Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
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These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma I’m not gonna fight with you.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Giving birth?
Passing a gallstone?
Monica Seles tennis match?Possible scenarios from sounds emitted from chic on elliptical next to me
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
MOM: turn the volume down on your headphones or you’ll go deaf!
ME: that is sound advice
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting