I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
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[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
The urology match email should start with “Congrats, Ur-ine!!”
….I’ll see myself out….
When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
<first date>
Him: *wipes mouth and tosses napkin on unfinished plate*
Me: *seductively slides napkin to the side and finishes his meal*
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
My gf asked me if I’d continue to love her even after marriage and i said yes.
Then..she got married.
The owner of my AirBnB has a dog named Kevin. His human-sounding name terrified me at first.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
I had to Stop for this
What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes