I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
You Might Also Like
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I just gave my cat a bath.
Your move Satan.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Planet of the Apps.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
the best thing i’ve ever made