“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
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[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Sorry. Not sorry
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes