Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
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In relationships, it鈥檚 important to pay attention to the person鈥檚 likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
The “free milkshakes for a month” contest I just won is telling me my month’s supply of shakes is 5 shakes. Yeah 5 should last me a month…
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for 拢12 offer on bottles of wine.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Husband of the year 馃槀
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 馃槉
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that鈥檚 also my reason
Some people aren鈥檛 just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 馃檪
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you鈥檙e still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this