Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
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6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
I’ve never skydived but I have had to do math in front of a bunch of people in a meeting so I think I understand the adrenaline rush.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment
ME: finally a program for me
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Mornin
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE