The concept of dominant hands is hilarious to me. That one of our hands is just like no, I’m not helping
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[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Look at phone to see what the time is.
Check Twitter
Check Facebook
Check emails
Take a photo of my dogs
Watch a cat video
Check Instagram
Check Twitter
Look at some photos of my dogs
Send a text
Watch another cat video
Check TwitterStill no clue what the time is.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
“You’re just not my cup of tea” I say to someone else’s cup of tea.
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
I guess the creator of Pop Rocks was like:
Sugar isn’t enough, they need to detonate
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.