My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
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[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.