*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
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The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[liquor store]
Him: Did you see a cat in here? I know I just heard purring.
Me: *looking at huge boxed wine selection*
Him: Oh, it’s you.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
This day in history. 1961. In Spain the fascist government of Generalissimo Francisco Franco declared equal rights for women and men. None.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
Kid: Your my best friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* It’s you’re.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh