[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
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help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: Oh my gosh yes!
MAGICIAN: It’s been declined. Do you have another way to pay the deposit for your kid’s party?
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.
Me: thanks duckter
Goose doctor: [fought years of discrimination to get to his position] how dare you
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Mum was fed up of the squirrels stealing all the bird food so she greased the feeder!