I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
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My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
Someone asked if I had fun weekend plans and without hesitation I said “Costco”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
Him: you look tired today
Me: you look like you need a mouth that says better sentences
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I love how I can spend all day unabashedly getting naked and intimate with strangers but then wait until it’s dark outside to put my garbage on the curb because I do not want to be observed by people
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
“What?”
– Jude
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.