By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
You Might Also Like
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Life hack:
Use a pot lid as a shield when cooking bacon with no pants on.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Me: got my food and now I’ll just grab a napkin.
Napkin Dispenser: ok, 38 napkins to you my dude.
Me: no just-just one.
Napkin Dispenser: right, no napkins for you bro.
Me: uh what?
Napkin Dispenser: a bunch of napkins in smallish pieces for my homie.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Ok, but like, how married are you?