[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
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you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”
Turns down music in car: I’ve never heard that strange noise before *sighs* another trip to the mechanic’s.
Friend: That’s my stomach.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.