If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
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My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
When I die I’m going to donate my body to the Humanities. I don’t want some STEMlords poking around inside my organs. I would much rather have a bunch of English majors & MFA candidates just sort of have at it & do what they see fit with my corpse. Lord knows they have so little.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Dog pulled my shorts down, and now there are no secrets between me and the guy who delivers dog food
Just took an antibiotic and a probiotic and now my body will fight itself to the death!
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch