I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
When I see a self-help book at a secondhand store, I wonder…does that mean it worked, or it is bullshit?
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.