Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
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The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
We’re investigation reports of little piles cack in all the flower beds around here. You match the description of somebody we’d like to talk to.
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
scully: victim died of multiple stab wounds
mulder: *throws her a file* ever heard of the knife alien
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
*my wife catches me in bed looking at an optical illusions book* HONEY, NO IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.