Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
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when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
my first dose meeting my second
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
(Going to Wife’s Work Party)
WIFE: Don’t just be quiet like last time.
(Later at Dinner)
ME: Did you know marsupials are not a kind of soup?
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.