Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
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ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though