Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
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Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
I DON’T WANT YOUR PITY but I’ll take it.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
My kid comes into our room every night to sleep and he usually brings a comfort toy with him. Tonight he chose to bring a harmonica. I am losing my mind.
The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.