Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
What wine goes well with two ungrateful teenagers, an oppressive boss and insurmountable credit card debt?
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Spider-Man reboots should start with the previous actor biting the new one as the origin story.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace
“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
App Designer: Hey, parents who are dieting, I’ve put entries in your calorie tracker to use to log the pizza crusts you eat off your kids’ plates, so you don’t have to leave off those calories
Dieting Parents:
App Designer: It’s great, right…
Dieting Parents:…
App Designer:
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
12: What’s in cocktail sauce?
Me: It’s basically horseradish and ketchup mixed together. It’s good, try it.
12: *makes face* You lost me at horse.
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Mike Huckabee calls Obama a “pretend Christian”, and if anyone’s an expert on “pretend Christians”, it’s Mike Huckabee.
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.