I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
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there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*Holding a banana like a phone* (texting)
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
Which is worse: that I had to wear a Frozen bandaid cuz all the regular ones were taken or that I spent 5 min. deciding between Anna & Elsa?
Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
The word tag is confusing. It can mean spray paint or touch someone & they’re it. Either way, there’s a purple kid in my neighborhood now
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
pizza