My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
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I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
When a Nokia phone warns you about low battery, you have at least 1 month to find where the charger is lying in your house.
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[First day as an undercover cop]
Drug Dealer: You got the money?
Me: … *into cufflink* Line?
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
I took my 5y/o to a protest hoping to get a woke-baby quote from him but instead he said “cool, a yelling party” and then screamed for a bit
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall