Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
You Might Also Like
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Hagrid: yer a wizard Harry!
Harry: *y’er
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶