One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
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Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
ME: *barging into office* Now hear me out
DENTIST: You again? No I can’t make your teeth taste like chips
ME: *being carried out by 2 hygienists* CAN’T OR WON’T
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.