Where there’s a will, there’s a greedy bastard hoping you die.
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[drops capsule in woman’s drink] Maybe when that’s finished, we can get out of here? [green sponge dinosaur grows out of glass] Ready to go?
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
I sexually identify as a hand grenade
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
The fact that my balcony isn’t facing the street makes it nice and quiet but also makes my speeches to the people rather ineffective
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Anti-carb diets are just radical groups of potato-phobes and spud-judists.
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.