“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
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I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
You can usually win any arm wrestling contest by simultaneously leaning in for a kiss.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Although I’m not exactly overjoyed with my single status. I thank God I’m not married to the obviously married guy hitting on me.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
[watching a movie where kids’ teacher is hitting on the single mom]
Me: What if a man liked me—what would you think?
10: I don’t know. That’s never happened before.