I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
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Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
ugh not again