ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
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I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
[Inventing limes]
God: we need a fruit that is useless without alcohol
Seals are just dog mermaids.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
COP: u were swerving a lot so i have to conduct a sobriety test
ME: ok
COP: lets get taco bell
ME: no
COP: text ur ex
ME: no
COP: ok ur good
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco