[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
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Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No. I’m getting everything like an easter egg hunt, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
My time has come.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Me: Me and the wife are heading to pound town.
Wife: London. He means London.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
An interesting development in the Kim <> Kanye saga
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
Took the kids to the store yesterday to pick out their own Valentine’s gifts, so don’t tell me I’m not preparing them for marriage.
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“I don’t watch tv” ok but then what do you do with it
With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota