The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.