I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
A dating app called Unhinged and we just post all out red flags and see if anyone is still interested
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
(Inception)
Leonardo DiCaprio: where’d he go?
me: *wakes up to pee for the 4th time*
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets